Newbie-English Translation: FINLE FANTESEE ROX!!!
by TLOZLink5
Summary: Parody-translation of a made-to-be-MySTed, horrid little turd by Mega64. The original was deliberately written in newbie; absolute brain-fart. Don't try following the link to Mega's fic; he deleted all of his stories to protest FFN's banning of MyST's.


The original can be read here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=340128.BR  
  
Written (i.e.: translated) with permission from the original author, Mega64. Don't start flaming me for this; it's a rough translation of a horrible fic. VERY rough.  
  
FINAL FANTASY IS INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO ALL OTHER GAMES!!!!!!!!  
  
  
SALUTATIONS. MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH, AND MY STORY IS ABOUT FINAL FANTASY. THAT IS TO SAY, ALL OF THEM.  
  
One day Terra was walking along when she noticed an abnormal illumination nearby. "What is that?" she wondered. She moved towards it and found a Ghost. "Hello, Ghost," Terra greeted. "What brings you to this area of the world?"  
  
"I AM GHOST, but that's pretty much obvious," the ghost said. "I AM IN THE PROCESS OF SAVING THE PLANET FROM DESTRUCTION. WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCOMPANY ME?"  
  
"Err, no thanks," Terra replied.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well, for several reasons," Terra said. "For one thing, you're supposed to be a monster, per se, my enemy. Second, the world has already been saved. And thirdly, Ghosts are among the weakest characters in the game, so you wouldn't stand a chance against whoever is the orchestrator of this global destruction plot you speak of."  
  
"You have made me unhappy, Terra. I am sad." And the Ghost fled for Phantom Forest in tears.  
  
All of a sudden, my Uncle Joseph (on my mother's side) arrived and dispatched Terra. "Hello, Uncle Joseph!" I said. "For what reason do you intrude upon my fanfiction?"  
  
"Hello, John," Uncle Joseph said. "I am here to say hello and offer you many dollar signs which have no monetary value whatsoever."  
  
"Goodness, Uncle Joseph!" I exclaimed upon reception of the symbols. "You are certainly very generous! Thank you!"  
  
Anyway, back to this wonderful fic. Terra went on her way to the city of Baron to greet Cecil. Instead, she met a soldier outside the palace. "Hello, Guard!"  
  
"Greetings, Terra Branford!"  
  
Forgetting completely about meeting up with Cecil, Terra spoke for an hour with this Guard whom she had never seen before in her life. Suddenly remembering why she had come, Terra excused herself and went into the throne room. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, a large rock fell on Terra's head and she started crying. Then Sephiroth arrived to dispatch Terra with his extremely large and wicked blade.  
  
Enexplicably rising from the dead after being killed twice, Terra went to a party which is not described other than to say it was a party. There were large amounts of cake at the party. Yummy, I love cake. Once I went to a party, where there was plenty of cake. However, I overengorged on the delicious confection, to the point that I vomited all over my dog. It was funny, that is before my dog lost all of his hair. Which, then again, isn't all that bad since he's a chihuahua.  
  
After the party, Terra, again, dies for some reason. Then Stan, who has nothing to do with Final Fantasy at all, yet I put him in here because the author did, screams, "Oh my God! They killed Terra!" His friend Kyle agrees, "You b*st*rds!" Cussing is a bad thing to do...I laugh out loud. I enjoy South Park to an excessive extent.  
  
Back to the story...Terra rises from the dead for the umpteenth time, walks to South Park -- which is hard to do because walking is the worst way to travel between dimensions -- and for no reason at all killed Kenny. Then Stan, who has nothing to do with Final Fantasy at all, yet I put him in here because the author did, screams, "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" His friend Kyle agrees, "You bastards!" Eh? So what if I didn't censor "bastards?" Forget you, annoying normal person. I am superior to you; you are a fool; you are happy.  
  
Then Terra marries Edgar and they engaged in numerous acts of coitus. They ended up having 555,555,555,555,555,555,555,555,555,555 children (which is actually biologically impossible) which were all named Tedgar. Evidently, this is supposed to be mildly amusing, because Tedgar is both Terra and Edgar's names put together.  
  
Forgetting that she is a wife and a mother, Terra for some reason flies on the back of giant bumblebee -- or is it that she shrunk in order to fly on a normal-sized bumblebee? Whatever, it's not important. Then Cecil, for no reason at all comes to kill Terra.  
  
And just after coming back from the dead again, Terra dies again.  
  
Rising from the dead again, Terra goes home to have fun with Edgar and her billions of children named Tedgar. How exactly they had fun is not explained, so don't bother asking.  
  
Then Tedgar (which one?) dies, and Terra became sad. Then for the billionth time, Terra dies, and for some reason everyone rejoices.  
  
For no reason at all, Rydia just yelled out "HIIIIIIIIII!"  
  
Then for some strange reason which is not explained, Terra started flying.  
  
You know what? I have even MORE total crap to translate!  
  
  
Locke and Celes went to Las Vegas and were awarded numerous dollar signs which, again, have no monetary value. Using their nonexistant money, they bought a Gameboy Advance and played it for an excessively long time.  
  
So they had fun with their infinite supply of useless symbols.  
  
New Story.  
  
  
  
Translation Three: For no reason that is explained, Ramza departs this world to experience the great beyond.  
  
Story number 4 (this is getting so monotonous...shoot me now...)  
Ultros was extremely depressed, and, since his lover Chupon had deserted him for the AtmaWeapon, decided to find a new friend.  
  
Ultros flew on a magic carpet that he got from somewhere to go to Terra's house somewhere else. "Salutations, Terra!" greeted Ultros.  
  
Terra shouted "Hello" several times in alternating volumes upon seeing the giant octopus which had tried to stick a tentacle up her -- errr, that's another story, kiddies. Play the Japanese version of FF6. Anyway, Terra enjoyed octopi.  
  
"I enjoy octopi, especially calamari," Terra asserted. "They are delicious."  
  
Ultros kills Terra (that's happened too often lately) and marries her (evidently it's legal in Mobliz) and they had the same number of children that Terra and Edgar had, only this time, citing the combine-the-names-of-the-sires rule, they were all named Tertros, because it sounded better than "Ultra," which, wouldn't you know it, is a real word.  
  
Uncle Joseph returned to my fanfic to offer me a renewed supply of dollar signs. "Thank you, Uncle Joseph!" I said. Uncle Joseph then started to make Aunt Jack feel pleased and...I think we'll skip this part. Read the original, I guess...  
  
Meanwhile, Tertros and Ultra married (incest is also legal in Mobliz) and they had two children: Terra and Ultros. Goodness, I wonder how that happened?  
  
Anyway, I idolize Gonzo.  
  
  
  
This next story is cool. I think.  
  
One day, Terra dies (again).  
  
Then she perishes (again, again).  
  
Has anyone noticed anything? Why does Terra keep dying?  
  
A maniacal, whooping laughter resounded from behind me. "You finally figured it out, eh? Didn't take you THAT long! I continuously dispatch that skanky Esper wench over and over again, and I love it!"  
  
"Ahhh! Kefka Palazzo, the insane clown-sorcerer! What do you want!" I demanded.  
  
"You turnip! Don't you know that a Final Fantasy fanfic cannot be magnificent without your Lord and Master in it?"  
  
"Well, Kefka," I responded. "Evidently you're in it now."  
  
"I figured as such. Bwee hee hee!"  
  
"...clown."  
  
Don't worry, Terra's not dead anymore.  
  
  
  
I once heard of Final Fantasy 3 for regular Nintendo. When I got it and played it, I said, "This isn't FF3! Where is Terra?" And this guy explained how FF3 for SNES is actually FF6 in Japan. Of course, since I am of sub-normal intelligence, I called him a British cigarette and reported him to someone. What a British cigarette that guy was.  
  
Anyway (I think this is some sort of sexual referendum, because the original says "came"), Cecil orgasmed, as did Cloud. But Zidane messed up and urinated all over himself. Somehow, the original author helped, but I don't want to go into details. Or lack thereof.  
  
Goodness. This is cool. I like writing fanfics. Maybe I should write some...---  
  
Sorreeee folkz jest had 2 kil him he wuz abut to expooos mi laytst fanfic plottt abut how dis jiant radish wuntz 2 ivertrow d urf an...  
  
Aw, shoot. 


End file.
